blank: Jun. 08, 2002 (7:39 am)

i have never seen him without meaning to encounter that boy. we stay lost from each other in the city. (different sides of the same roads) and last night going to the chinese restaurant (that has fed me before preformances, out for lunch after building sets, during assemblies, out with mike trying to make sense of paul, out with caitlin sipping large bowls of soup, with meryl and alex the first day back from spring break. the day after paul decided to leave the last time.) he was there. vaguely nodded, with blank eyes (more blank than john's before boston because paul meant for them to be blank) and walked out. not a word exchanged. a desperate, sad girl gazing and an indifferent boy. give it two months, he'll appologize but i can't stand someone who periodically leaves and won't even discuss why. anymore.

continuing our journey, we went to pick up meryl. as we walked past some coffee shop lux was seated gazing intently (interested, enthralled, excited) with a girl. i remember that. honest gazes.

sleepy later at a movie i close my eyes and see nothing but his blank eyes and that same shirt has always wears (when we first saw each other after the longest break, with my body pinned down under it, housing a boy with the blankest eyes). alex touches his head to mine 'he's not all you have'. and i look around and i suppoe he's not, i just remember the excitement which these people clearly lack. followed by vague, abrevieated, (accidental) touches that are nothing like the ones that i miss.

i remember when i was actually honest.

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