idiot kid: Jan. 18, 2002 (9:06 pm)

i am the biggest idiot kid ever.

i was talking with paul earlier. i had said the night before that whenever i'm honest with him it feels nice, so i said how i was feeling about alex. he seemed angered. he said that he was just second best and i was settling for him, that i was playing stupid games. i assured him that i loved him more, but was just trying to be honest because it felt better when i am. he still wants to go out still, i think. i'm suposed to call him tomorrow at three. that means i have to build sets for six hours without knowing how he feels.

right now i can really only have faith that he will stick with me in the same way i stuck by him. i said i needed to explore...

feelings for alex are so fleeting--like feeling for ben, or neil, or max or any of those idea boys. they do not take over me like my feelings for paul. they are merely images, paul is not an apparation. and that has to do with me, not with them.

ephemeral

consistantly i feel that my life is merely a stuggle

i am a brick, i desperatly want to sink under.

under the current, where the beams from the sun

will not hit me or warm my blood

and you are my sun, you could be goodness

but even your heat can not dry the deepest sea.

but given time you might perhaps warm the water make it a better place to be

distinct

i. we are all special yes, at my school we were all taught that we were special.

ii. but i was especially i was a case i was always crying. Always.

iii.he called me special in the dark waters of the hot tub his hands on my chest his mouth forming the words i wanted to hear

iv. i believed him.

v.so now after all this time you realize i'm special. and i want to explore. i'm not so convinced

vi. maybe i'm just playing hard to get

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