exactly at nine: Apr. 01, 2006 (4:46 pm)

somehow so much went unrecorded maybe because it seemed too silly or too terrifying or too much at the time: i remember spending june walking down to harvard listening to a tribe called quest and sitting on the ledge above the steps of widener reading faulkner and the tao te ching and sappho (and literally shivering as i read fragments that i had first read in salinger stories) and still (since the september before) carrying around a love for brett completely foreign from my real life, only an excitement that existed inside of me about his existence and our interactions and then in july finding ben and finding ben good enough for the meantime and losing that actual virginity and not that noticeable virginal state that had slipped away more subtly over the years (earlier that night, we had terrible chinese food and bought condoms from the convenience store near our homes and watched two thirds of wild strawberries and i got scared the second before but didn't say anything and didn't bleed and barely felt then and later only did for anomalistic moments in a period of six months) and spending the next months falling in (at the note he wrote for his brother on their bathroom mirror in soap after i lent him raise high the roofbeam carpenters, at the objects he threw against my window, at the quiet of his apartment) and out (at his fifteen hour nights, at his goofy transformations into david lynch characters, at his not being brett, at his not being right) of love and at the point i decided to leave college again also deciding to leave ben (but needing him to sleep with me that night and needing him to touch me while we watched movies) and even after all the quitting not finding anything better (no love, no job) and wanting back the bad things or at least other bad things but now it's been months and i've got a job and people who are worth being excited about and only sad that i could spend so many months so sad about losing the things that i thought were good enough and thinking i had lost the things that were good.

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