you kept me: Jan. 08, 2006 (11:14 pm)

all these moments: waking up in ben's bed and having that type of sex that we have been having lately where i don't get upset and don't think about not coming because i am astounded that we are even having sex and cleaning the dust bunnies from under his radiator with the swiffer cloths i stored there this summer when i moved out of 1705 mass ave (when i was still unequivocally a girlfriend) and walking home in the snow and eating breakfast at what, when i lived at home and spent as much of saturday as possible still in pajamas, i considered lunch time and baking bread and tasting the bread which reminded me of a really terrible loaf that someone baked in the co-op and realizing the off taste was olive oil in the dough instead of margarine and the seventy seven bus coming just as i walked out of the atm (in the sun, no more snow now) and the one bus a longer wait and just missing the thirty nine bus which was an enormous wait and listening to "everyday examples of humans facing straight into the blow" which i must have been listening to on this day last year but now during today during the entire cross city three bus trip to see brett and seeing brett and smiling and smoking (camel lights) and pointing out my new jacket and accepting "you never look goofy", the biggest compliment he could give and leaving because he doesn't want to keep me from what i need to be doing (which turned out to be reheating gnocchi, calling ben who wasn't home, watching 400 blows, trying to write on paper but writing here) and then waiting at the bus stop for the thirty nine watching brett in the window working and on the number one bus sitting next to a man who told the girl in front of us (who had a gap between her two front top teeth that lined up with the gap between her two front bottom teeth which was so evenly imperfect i'm not sure whether it was a flaw and who sat with her mother i guess who i thought had snow in her hair but then i remembered the snow had stopped at noon so it was just terrible dandruff) that the tourbook she was looking at was for his hometown (osaka?, japan) and i had my headphones on so didn't hear much but heard her mention new years and the strawberries and getting off that fifth bus of the day and making the seventy seven just in time and coming home and staying home for the night. how will i write plot when i can't even live plot, all disconnects while monologuing synthetic connections.

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